I’m Walking Away, Goodbye 👣🖤

I remember writing a blog in December 2016 using the selfie above stating how I had ‘crumbled’. My eyes look sullen, sadness consumed my whole being and I felt like life wasn’t working out, the struggle was real. I don’t regret writing it or discount that at the time I had crumbled but it’s like I can now see with a new set of eyes and feel in a new way. Now this isn’t to say that some days I don’t still feel like an area of my life isn’t challenging; of course I do, I don’t believe that this ever stops. So what has changed? What am I walking away from?

I have changed! In a sense I am walking away from the ‘old Deirdre‘, again not that I believe she didn’t serve a purpose and not that she will never appear again but she won’t be the same again. Isn’t it an amazing thought to think that you can actually NEVER be the same you as you were because each new second brings change and there will never be a moment just like the one you had a second ago?! Time stuns me, I find it fascinating. So if I feel like I’ve crumbled ever again I can remind myself that in another second that could change.

What was missing from me back then? What could I fail to see? To hear? To notice? To feel? I found it so difficult to see how my life was changing, how transformation was happening in little ways every day. I couldn’t see it, hear it from others, believe it or feel it because I was somewhat blinded. I was blinded and disconnected to many positives that I had in my life. For example I felt like I would never reach my dream career of being a Play Therapist and Psychotherapist because back then I was still stuck teaching, I felt like my health was stuck feeling bloated, heavy and sluggish, I felt stuck in my relationships, that men couldn’t be trusted and that I’d never find a genuine, honest and loving man. I believed that I would never be self-sufficient or fully independent from my Dad and the shame and sense of failure kept creeping in.

Wow! No wonder I felt like I was crumbling. There’s a lot of feelings of being stuck, unable to move forward. I do believe in everything happening for some reason. I’m not always consciously aware of why or what the reason is but I do try to trust that there is always a meaning no matter how horrific or dreadful. It’s my faith that helps be to believe this and I know that it’s my faith that always kept me going no matter how stuck I felt! And it will always continue to keep me going if I ever feel that way again.

So why am I walking away from a part of myself? I’m walking away because it no longer serves me. The reason it did serve a purpose I believe is that I needed to feel stuck, to be wrapped up and at times consumed by my sadness, grief and anger so that for once I allowed myself to feel these unpleasant emotions. I avoided them for so long, shut them out of consciousness and pretended that I was ok, that I had everything under control, yep you guessed it that I was the Tough Cookie! I now realise the impact that all those years of suffering in silence, and without me even knowing the extent or degree really took its toll on my mind, body and soul. It all did become too much 2years ago and I then stated to ‘play the victim’, felt full of suffering, shut down and I had to surrender to this finally. So it’s not a ‘bad’ thing, in hindsight it’s actually positive as if I hadn’t I would have kept living a lie, of pretence and not actually be connected to myself or my body.

Now I feel fully (at times to my detriment!) I’m aware, I see clearly and I have control. I can choose my thoughts, I can reshape my beliefs, I can pause the chatter in my mind, take action for transformation and create any possibility I wish. I’m not saying that I get instant results, like that hunk waiting in my front porch 🙏😂 or the UNLOCK Programme franchised however I do know that some day those possibilities I’m creating will become my reality. Because I’m lucky, down to chance? No, because I say so, I’m taking action, I’ll keep going and I’ve Woken Up!

What do you need to walk away from? Is there a part of your ‘self’ that no longer serves you? Who could you be without it?

“Walk Away

Don’t feel You’ve

To Stay

Endless Possibilities

Of how to Be

Just begin to See!”

(Deirdre Ward)

The Miracle of a Child 👶🏻

A honest, emotional and loving story of one Tough Cookie who became a young mother, suffered with post natal depression but overcame these challenges with support of family and friends and most importantly truly believing in herself. A wonderful mother no doubt 🌸🌟

I like to think we all are on a journey, full of ups and downs and obstacles which are put in place to test us or see how we cope with situations. Some unfair and hard but somehow can result in making us wiser, stronger, not afraid to face the unknown and not afraid to ask others for help. I think we’re on a path with side trails, but its how we/if we want to get back on that path that’s the main thing.

When I was younger fresh out of school I was a messer of the highest degree! I just started college in the course I wanted, loved living away and going out. Making new friends, getting the bus or train to my school friends who were in different colleges. Life was great. After my first year in my course I applied to a private course in London which I knew would really add to my training. The first year of college flew by and I was on my summer holidays, with a place in the course in London.

One night on the way home I was in the car with my boyfriend at the time and we had a car crash. It was all such a blank I just remember looking to my left and seeing a telegram post 2 foot away from us and a lot of branches against my window. He got out and helped me get my belt off and pulled me through his door. We were so lucky not a scratch on either of us. Days went on and I had a pain in my back, would dream about it and wake up in a panic and feel sick. Mam said to me that there would be no harm going to the GP to see what they’d have to say. I went into my GP and she examined me from head to toe, I got the all clear! But as I was going out the door I turned and told her about my dreams and waking up feeling sick, she stopped me leaving and asked me would I mind giving a sample… In my head I though ‘course no bother’ as I knew/thought we’d been safe…. I took the test… I was then about to have my life change in a matter of seconds “Your PREGNANT”… with a state of shock I laughed (I do this when I get a shock)…

I went home and went upstairs, I didn’t know what to say only I knew I had to tell someone. So my sister was in her room on her bed and I told her and rang my boyfriend. He came over that night and we talked about it. I couldn’t tell my mam as she was going on holidays and felt if I told her before hand she wouldn’t enjoy herself so I waited until she got back. My best friend was also one of the first to know and was/is amazing support!

I was very lucky in the fact I had such a strong support network of friends and family, we talked about all options and we made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. I had to turn down London but continued into second year where I was. The months flew by and I was given the choice to take the year out but I was determined to be qualified before this baby arrived.

At 36 weeks (a month early) the most amazing little man came into our lives. I fell in love instantly with this squishy, tiny little bundle. He was perfect!

Although he was early it worked out great! My mam had took holidays for the week after I was due so she could help us out but because he was early and Easter fell early I missed hardly any college and I was able to go back after 3 weeks to finish it out.

That May I graduated with my friends. As time went on I worked weekends and the odd day during the week as we didn’t have a minder, I started to feel not like myself at all. I’d clean the house so much as I was afraid he’d pick up a bug and get sick, didn’t want others feeding him or changing him as I felt if I wasn’t doing it I wasn’t being a good mam, I didn’t want to leave the house with him full stop.

The high light of my week would be borrowing my mams car and doing the weekly shop in Aldi (sad I know) but I couldn’t help it! I’d look forward to my mam coming at lunch time for the hour and after that it was back to just myself and the baby and the hoover! Eventually one day my mam asked me was I ok, I looked at her and started to well up. The girl who at one time would barely be in the house was now never leaving it! I was so afraid to get help as I was convinced he’d be taken away from “an unfit young mam” (this was all in my head)…

I was completely wrong I went to my GP and yes months after having the baby I’d post-natal depression. The support and advice I got from my GP was amazing. I started to see a light at what had been a very lonely dark place for quite a while. I went and bought my first car I was pure delighted with it and I could go anywhere I wanted with my little man and visit my friends. I felt my independence coming back, my confidence and back to being ‘me’ again.

Unfortunately my relationship with the baby’s Daddy didn’t work out and did knock me – particularly my confidence but we weren’t working and it wasn’t fair on our child being brought up in that environment.

One day in work I was asked to take part in a well known festival by a client who had previously been part of it, it was something I would have loved years ago but I had a child and didn’t think I could have taken part in it. I also didn’t think I had the confidence to either… but my boss really got behind the idea and sponsored me. I decided to give it a go… not knowing what was ahead!

I had a lovely day meeting girls from around the county and getting treated like a princess for the day and meeting an idol of mine (Jennifer Wrynn) she was one of my judges!…. That evening results were in and my name was announced!! All I can really remember is seeing my supporters standing on their chairs and cheering I couldn’t believe it was my name that had been called!

I progressed onto the next level of the festival where I met some of the most amazing ladies I have ever met in my life and shared a room with a girl I now call a sister. From the other Roses life stories to their personalities to their amazing friendships, I felt the best I had felt in a long time (just with sore feet from the heels!!!).

That weekend the group was cut down with only some making it through to the festival in Tralee. I didn’t make it through but for me that wasn’t a major upset, I was happy with what I had achieved, the ladies I had meant and the friendships and memories I will always have. We the ladies who didn’t get through went down to support our new friends knowing one of them would be chosen. Down there we also met the escorts taking part in the festival who have also gone on to become amazing friends to me.

After taking part and hearing such amazing stories from other people it got me thinking “whats stopping you only yourself” “only you can make things happen for yourself”.   I decided I wanted “my son to think anything is possible with belief and hard work”

I have since gone to Belarus on charity work (Adi Roache’s Chernobyl), taken part in the NYC parade, gone back to college and completed the 1st two years of my new course and I am going into my degree year. My little man isn’t so little and has now completed junior infants, I have upgraded my car and also got a new job!

Its not been what I thought the last 6 years would be and yes the side trails have been hard and bendy and tough to keep going on but if you really do want to get to where you want to go or the person you want to be, you’ll find a way forward or ask for help.

I have changed a lot, grown up a lot, and I do believe its all down to my little man making me a better person. He’s loved by so many people.

I wouldn’t be in the place I am now without the support and love of my friends and family no matter how much I say it they will never know how grateful I am to have them all in mine and my sons lives – whether we talk every day, week month or year it doesn’t matter just THANK YOU for being there when we needed you X

MY MISSON 💪🏻🍪

I’M ON A MISSON 💪🏻🍪

After an extremely positive and uplifting weekend, sharing my Tough Cookie Story at the Mind, Body, Soul event in the RDS, catching up with dear friends that I hadn’t seen in a while and having a more positive appointment in relation to my gut health I feel so grateful for where I stand today, hopeful for my future and determined to fulfil my Dreams and that BIG VISION!

I genuinely feel a chapter has turned for me in my story 📗, that new beginnings are happening and more are on the way.

I decided that I have set myself a MISSON and that MISSON is to spread as much LOVE as I can, to touch many hearts with my story – my Adoption, my Grief, Challenges/Struggles and how I overcame them and still continue to do so today, being the Tough Cookie that I am! 💪🏻🍪

I’m HERE to leave my mark, to make a DIFFERENCE to as many peoples lives as I can, especially children who are struggling. I’m here to HELP them see their unique light, their potential, to feel accepted & loved, free to express themselves and as a result for families to have a happier and more peaceful Home.

I want help UNLEASH the Tough Cookie in YOU 💪🏻🍪 but for you to know that it is also OK to Crumble! I want to share how I put my PIECES back together again, it CAN be done and I want to HELP YOU find YOUR KEY 🔑

The Universe has Powerful ways of bringing the right people, opportunities, challenges, signs to you just as you need them. It opens doors, shuts doors along your path, guiding you ALL the time.

As I sat on the beach barefooted last night to clear my head and ground myself from a hectic weekend, I began unconsciously to feel the sand and repeatedly trace a path in it. When I jumped up I realised that once again this beautiful Universe had given me the MOST special message: it’s in the above photo!

That I am sitting in the centre of LOVE. And that LOVE for the VERY FIRST time I can honestly say is SELF-LOVE 🙋🏻💜 I’m finally on MY WAY! 🙌🏻🚙

“My MISSON

My VISION

Boils Down to This:

To Live is

To Give;

To Give

My Love

My Time

My Patience

My Sense

My Trust –

Each Ones a Must!

That Difference I’ll Make

To End People’s Heartache!”

(Deirdre Ward)

See It to Achieve It 👁🌟🙋🏻🙏

I’m a firm believer in visualisation, in needing to imagine how you wish your life to be, setting goals to reach and repeating positive quotes/mantras to keep you on track.

Lately I feel I’ve been making an effort to create those visions in my mind, to try to work towards them and to stay upbeat/positive. It’s not always easy, a challenging day, setbacks, worries and fears can all get in the way. I know I’m a strong willed and determined person but recently it feels like I don’t have the energy/push in me to keep believing.

This is where the Images come in! For those days you can’t see it in your mind and you need a little help. Your mind can store and remember images much quicker and more efficiently than words. Print those goals, stick up those quotes that you find meaningful around your wall and each day take time to ‘see’ the life you love. Take time to repeat those positive, loving words to yourself, perhaps you seldom hear positivity? Empower yourself to take charge of your life and know that you are capable to lead it in the direction you wish.

I have mine on the back of my bedroom door, in a place that each day forces me to keep those dreams at the fore, to banish those negative thoughts in my mind and to rewire how I think/behave.

What’s YOUR Vision? Can YOU see clearly?

“What’s in Sight?

Is the Road ahead Bright?

Life goes By

In the Blink of an Eye

No Time to Waste

It must be Embraced!”

(Deirdre Ward)