I remember writing a blog in December 2016 using the selfie above stating how I had ‘crumbled’. My eyes look sullen, sadness consumed my whole being and I felt like life wasn’t working out, the struggle was real. I don’t regret writing it or discount that at the time I had crumbled but it’s like I can now see with a new set of eyes and feel in a new way. Now this isn’t to say that some days I don’t still feel like an area of my life isn’t challenging; of course I do, I don’t believe that this ever stops. So what has changed? What am I walking away from?
I have changed! In a sense I am walking away from the ‘old Deirdre‘, again not that I believe she didn’t serve a purpose and not that she will never appear again but she won’t be the same again. Isn’t it an amazing thought to think that you can actually NEVER be the same you as you were because each new second brings change and there will never be a moment just like the one you had a second ago?! Time stuns me, I find it fascinating. So if I feel like I’ve crumbled ever again I can remind myself that in another second that could change.
What was missing from me back then? What could I fail to see? To hear? To notice? To feel? I found it so difficult to see how my life was changing, how transformation was happening in little ways every day. I couldn’t see it, hear it from others, believe it or feel it because I was somewhat blinded. I was blinded and disconnected to many positives that I had in my life. For example I felt like I would never reach my dream career of being a Play Therapist and Psychotherapist because back then I was still stuck teaching, I felt like my health was stuck feeling bloated, heavy and sluggish, I felt stuck in my relationships, that men couldn’t be trusted and that I’d never find a genuine, honest and loving man. I believed that I would never be self-sufficient or fully independent from my Dad and the shame and sense of failure kept creeping in.
Wow! No wonder I felt like I was crumbling. There’s a lot of feelings of being stuck, unable to move forward. I do believe in everything happening for some reason. I’m not always consciously aware of why or what the reason is but I do try to trust that there is always a meaning no matter how horrific or dreadful. It’s my faith that helps be to believe this and I know that it’s my faith that always kept me going no matter how stuck I felt! And it will always continue to keep me going if I ever feel that way again.
So why am I walking away from a part of myself? I’m walking away because it no longer serves me. The reason it did serve a purpose I believe is that I needed to feel stuck, to be wrapped up and at times consumed by my sadness, grief and anger so that for once I allowed myself to feel these unpleasant emotions. I avoided them for so long, shut them out of consciousness and pretended that I was ok, that I had everything under control, yep you guessed it that I was the Tough Cookie! I now realise the impact that all those years of suffering in silence, and without me even knowing the extent or degree really took its toll on my mind, body and soul. It all did become too much 2years ago and I then stated to ‘play the victim’, felt full of suffering, shut down and I had to surrender to this finally. So it’s not a ‘bad’ thing, in hindsight it’s actually positive as if I hadn’t I would have kept living a lie, of pretence and not actually be connected to myself or my body.
Now I feel fully (at times to my detriment!) I’m aware, I see clearly and I have control. I can choose my thoughts, I can reshape my beliefs, I can pause the chatter in my mind, take action for transformation and create any possibility I wish. I’m not saying that I get instant results, like that hunk waiting in my front porch 🙏😂 or the UNLOCK Programme franchised however I do know that some day those possibilities I’m creating will become my reality. Because I’m lucky, down to chance? No, because I say so, I’m taking action, I’ll keep going and I’ve Woken Up!
What do you need to walk away from? Is there a part of your ‘self’ that no longer serves you? Who could you be without it?
Don’t feel You’ve
Of how to Be
Just begin to See!”