On Saturday I ventured up the north of Donegal to Fahan and revisited the Home that I was in for the first 3months of my life before being adopted by my Mam and Dad.
Did I feel a sense of having been there before? Did I have flashbacks? What emotions surfaced for me? Why did I want to go?
I wanted to see and walk the surroundings of the place where I have lived, where my Mam and Dad met me for the first time and where my birth mother left me for the last time. It has taken me 30years to visit it, yes I’ve passed by, I’d even say accelerated past it in my car before, not wanting to see it or to accept it. I was now ready. By visiting on Saturday it helped me to have closure, to accept, to understand some more and I now feel a sense of Peace. This chapter of my life I can now close and move on from, until it reappears again (I’ve no doubt that it will!)
It was quite sad to see this Home completely dilapidated, run down and closed up. Despite the sun shining there was a dark and eerie feel to it at first. This feeling did settle somewhat and I could sense a quietness, a tranquility. Perhaps it was my emotions of fear and sadness rising that then releasing turning into acceptance and peace. If you’ve ever been to this part of the country you’ll understand that there is a tranquility and for me it’s because it sits right on the waters edge with breathtaking views of the Donegal coastline and mountains. For me this gave me solace and also reassurance as to why I am such a lover of the sound of waves and the beach. Course this makes sense!
Myself and my Dad wandered around nearly searching for remnants of the memories he had of the day he met me, the day they took me home. Most curtains were shut so very little was evident from inside the house. I found two windows open and was able to stand up and peer in. I was shocked, stunned and weirdly comforted to see childlike wallpaper of teddy bears, Teletubbies and circus themed paintings/design on the walls and curtains. Yes there were clues of my life lived there. Very small but still something to help me imagine and accept it.
Dad’s memory began to resurface and he could recall which room I slept in and the meeting room. He reminisced how my older sister Gráinne played with other boys & girls that were there the day they came to take me home.
Two stickers on two doors, one of Jesus and one of Our Lady showing that the home was filled with faith, the nuns that cared for me and this too gave me solace. Why? Because I have a strong faith and to know that this would have been a central part of the life of the women who cared for me for those first 3months gives me strength.
I left feeling at peace, that I had closure on something that was completely out of my control, it gave me some control back to revisit, to imagine and now to accept it and move on. This part of me has missing pieces but that is ok, don’t we all have some pieces missing, that we may never fill!
“Home is a Feeling
It’s not a Place
Even if we have to Retrace
This can be hard to Face!
Build Your Home
From your Heart
You’ll not Feel Alone
It’s Where to Start!”