The ‘Mind-Gym’

Take a look around you, how much longer can you live this way, trash on the floor from weeks before, just gets deeper by the day,
Can’t let go of that foolish pride, you keep it locked up inside,
time to face the pain, stand up and cry like a man.

(Song by Christy Moore)

 

As an Irish male, I can’t say I have had too many conversations with friends exploring inner pain or insecurities. These areas were never discussed when conversing on the sporting issues of the week, gym memberships and female troubles.

This changed for me when I decided to take a trip to what Ireland rugby head-coach Joe Schmidt calls the ‘Mind Gym’. I felt I was fairly content in my life, I had a job I liked, sporting pursuits and an active social life. I was content. I had no reason to believe otherwise but I had a nagging empty feeling inside me that just wouldn’t go away. Behind the short term euphoria of alcoholic beverages and winning sporting bets, I was left with a sense of exclusion from the world and a rhetorical question playing in my head “life, is this it?”. I was far from depressed but I just wasn’t happy and hugely unfulfilled.

I couldn’t put my finger on why I had these feelings but I took the decision to pursue a course of therapy. My first few sessions were intimidating as I was unaware how to approach the process of dissecting my life events with a stranger. This stranger has since become a very close confidant. I stated my fairly moderate achievements both professionally and socially in my opening session,unaware of a deep hurt which lay much deeper inside me.

I slowly began to realise a lot of the anger I had in my life was as a result of hurt and pain I had experienced in my youth. When it is not properly managed, hurt turns to anger. This anger can lead to anger management issues for some or in my case suppressed anger with an inability to fully express emotion. My hurt came from certain elements of what was in many ways a mundane childhood. Some of the hurt revolved around a serious illness suffered by a family member. The sickness was long term but thankfully not terminal. It was harrowing and led to one of my closest relatives defying the odds of doctors’ opinions on a regular basis throughout long hospital stays. It was difficult for the family unit to accept or understand why sickness had visited our doorstep. It was incredibly traumatic for everyone.

It was difficult for the sick person, it was difficult for my extended family and it took me a long time to realise it. . .but it was difficult for me too.

I was left not knowing if a cornerstone of the family would be taken away overnight. I had anxiety issues which I didn’t share with anyone as I didn’t want to cause additional stress for anyone close to me who had enough to deal with. I didn’t behave like most adolescent boys who often seek to break rules or physically express themselves as I feared it would cause more heartache to a strained family unit. I felt a huge sense of pressure not to cause any upheaval. I struggled with self-confidence and felt the ridiculous male social pressure to ‘toughen up’.

I found it difficult in later years to build and sustain friendships with males,and loving relationships with females. I couldn’t understand why I had this deep protective mechanism to stop myself getting close to others. I seemed to associate closeness with sickness, anxiety and hurt.

I am emotionally wounded but it is healing,I am still a ‘work-in-progress’ but I am a much happier ‘work-in-progress’ and it has certainly given me a more positive outlook on life and a ‘fuller’ experience of those I care about and love.

I write this as I feel most, if not all men have a similar hurt inside them from the different life scenarios and family situations they have encountered and through no fault of their own, carry these wounds. Developments in our youth can halt our growth and often give men a fear of bonding and commitment later in life. In a ridiculous alpha-male culture where the nonsensical ‘big boys don’t cry’ mantra reigns supreme, men have never understood their own hurt and the major shame is that they have never taken the time to examine this hurt either. It has led to major issues of immature behaviour, addiction and failed relationships.

I call all men to action and encourage close females and males to support other men in this attempt to locate the hurt which will take these painful shackles off and allow males to become more emotionally available to those close to them. The hurt is there in some way for all of us and we need to tend to it as if were a physical wound.

Sticks and stones may break your bones. . .but words will help to heal your inner wounds.

 

(Extract from poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling)

If you can keep your head when all about you,

are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

but make allowance for their doubting too,

if you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

and yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise.

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master,

if you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,

if you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

and treat those two impostors just the same.

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,and—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

SEX 😮

Did I get your attention? Do you think I’m going to open up and share my intimate experiences and thoughts on sex? I guess you’ll just have to read on to find out!!!!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Is this true? Are there such huge differences in the way males and females think, behave, respond etc? Are our needs very different or have we been shaped by our ancestors and society to believe that we must try to fit in to a certain ‘group?’ Yes I do acknowledge that our brains are wired in differing ways, yes we produce varying amounts of hormones and yes there are significant differences between the sexes. However I also believe that how we behave and how we view things is to do with our experiences in life, our upbringing and how we perceive the world/ourselves and society’s beliefs. 

For me Education was always valued and I was brought up to try to do my best and achieve good results academically. Was this down to being a female from Venus? In my opinion it was due to my parents, their professions as teachers and their values relayed onto me. Yes it takes brains and intelligence but it also takes hard work, determination and an inner motivation to strive to succeed. 

Women are so emotional, us women are so in touch perhaps too in touch with our feelings and we cry a lot. Have you ever heard something along those lines? Okay yes a lot of us women do cry at a sad story, we get emotional when we are upset/tired etc but is this true for ALL women and can it not also be true for Men? It’s my belief again that it is mainly down to society and how you perceive what is deemed acceptable/unacceptable by family/friends/community. One of my frustrations living in Ireland is that there’s a notion that ‘oh men can’t cry, that’s not a reflection of a strong man etc’ For me it is one of the biggest reflections of a strong man, a man that is able to be strong enough to let go, to break down when life is challenging and to show that he has feelings and isn’t made of stone. Everyone should be able to be in touch with emotions and express freely how they feel. Young children are usually very effective at showing us when they’re upset/excited/happy/scared both boys and girls so surely we ALL begin with this ability? So where does it get lost? Why does it stop? 

Men should be the bread winners, women should rear the children and look after the house. Sound familiar? Again this for me is completely outdated and nowadays (thankfully) there isn’t one set image of how a family unit should look. Because of the recession changes happened where more women had to go out to work and seek employment to help with financial strains, males have a bigger involvement in the upbringing of their children and the family unit is very much a dual partnership where both sexes are involved with household, childcare and other duties related to family life. 

There’s no point in me continuing to state the obvious re the times we are in and how men/women are viewed. It cannot be a set book of rules, a rule book for being on Mars and one for living on Venus. 

It’s up to YOU. How do YOU choose to be as a person? How do YOU choose to support your other half? How do YOU choose to treat others? How much support do YOU choose to give to your family, to friends, to people/strangers in life? Whether you’re from Venus or Mars the decision and power lies within! 💥

“Men are from Mars

Women from Venus

How you choose to Live 

Doesn’t Depend on having a……” 

To ALL the Men Out There – YOU Matter Too! 💙

This week we celebrate ‘Men’s Health Week’. Although I am not a man and I cannot fully comment from a male’s perspective, I do feel by having lived back home with my father this last year and a half I can somewhat comment on the importance of men looking after their health and having some time out for ‘self-care’. 

Ireland has definitely progressed with the times but at times isn’t this little island of ours still so backwards in its beliefs and notions? It aggravates me no end when I hear some ridiculous ‘old school’ statements regarding values and beliefs that are undoubtedly outdated and just wrong! For example when there still remains a stigma in relation to counselling, why are we afraid to say we go to therapy to help talk about and release pain from our lives and hurt? Surely that is healthy and normal? Life can be extremely tough and the majority of us within our lifetime will inevitably face a situation that causes pain/grief/heartache/anger etc so going to therapy is a healthy and admirable route to take. Men don’t meet up as often as women do for a cuppa and a chat so by going to therapy it can help hugely to deal with a and make sense of feelings/experiences. There is no shame in that! 

I feel another stigma is present in relation to a male’s self-care. Spas and massages aren’t for men? Well really macho and tough men? Why not? Surely once again all humans whether male or female enjoy relaxing, taking quiet time out of life to just ‘be’ and to be pampered by another? As a baby we all were cradled, hugged, kissed by our parents/guardians so why when one is older does this care need to end? It doesn’t and it shouldn’t! The sense of touch is extremely powerful and healing. 

Men don’t open up or talk about their feelings? Ever heard that? Well in my opinion that is bullshit! (Excuse my French!) Once again this belief is embedded in our Irish culture and upbringing. Men are humans. Men hurt. Men have emotions. Men grieve. Men don’t always have to be seen in light of power, strength and untouched by emotion. I couldn’t imagine trying to hold in and suppress my feelings forever! Yes I did for a certain period of my life out of protection but there does come a time when it needs to be released and we need to let go. In my opinion a man that can cry, that can express how he is feeling and is in touch/tune with his body/emotions is a reflection of true strength and power. Not the man who is like a stone and doesn’t appear to ‘feel!’ 

So here’s to ALL you Men out there: we value, respect and love you but you too need to value, respect and love yourselves enough to ‘Mind your Mind & Body’ 💙

“A ‘Real’ Man 

Is One that Can

Be Open, 

Be Free,

Be All he needs to Be

In Order to ‘Fully See’.

To See Himself 

With Love & Care

For He Matters Too

‘Dare to Bare’

All that is ‘There’

(Deirdre Ward)