I thought when I shared my blog post for the first time about being Adopted that it would be the hardest thing to openly share with the world. I distinctively remember sitting in Abu Dhabi alone in my apartment feeling lost and empty, sharing stories from my life in a very raw and open way, feeling nervous and excited to begin the Tough Cookie Blog. That’s almost 3years ago now which is hard to believe, in ways it feels like it was a lifetime ago and some part of me wonders did I ever live in the UAE?!! Funny how the brain works.
Well today I’m venturing deeper.. (you’re probably wondering what’s left in the mind of the Tough Cookie at this stage.. surely she’s shared it ALL?!!) Do we EVER stop sharing? I hope not for as long as I live. Sharing sparks connection, love, trust, faith, strength and most importantly healing.
This Blog is undoubtedly my Biggest Secret! I have grappled with this notion of sharing this piece of me for a few months now, one minute deciding yes and the next backing away from it, unsure how it will be received. But the stronger mindset of mine said GO FOR IT there is nothing to worry about, why wouldn’t it be well received, why wouldn’t I be making a difference and why wouldn’t I let go of something that is restricting me, holding me back from being the best version of myself – Deirdre Nicole Ward. It’s really not even mine! Today I’m leaving it in the Past where it belongs, it’s not ‘my stuff’, it’s transcended down from my birth parents, two people I have never even met, it’s theirs and I never agreed to holding on to it for them.
Today I’m GIVING IT BACK. 💪🏻
Get on with it already Deirdre I hear you say! Ok well my secret that I’m unleashing is that my birth parents were first cousins. This little ‘dirty and shameful‘ secret that I’ve been carrying around for the last 5years or so. Carrying it around feeling like I was different, I was a defect, something broken to be fixed, something that was shameful, wrong, a secret and never meant to be here. I feel as though I was living in a shadow of myself, not fully connected to my body, mind and soul. Not being authentic. Feeling unloveable, feeling different and blaming my birth parents. Imagine what that does to a person…? Well I won’t go into the gorey details but it isn’t pleasant, it eats you up and I’ve had ENOUGH!!
This is a Story I’ve told myself, a context I’ve lived and based my life on. How could transformation happen, how could my health be restored, my self-confidence fully rise, my energy and love for myself develop when I continuously played this broken record over and over again in my mind. Of course it was eating me up. It was eating up my whole being, my relationships and my self-belief. I felt like I could overflow with emotions such as anger, frustration and fear some days. The fear of being judged, of not being good enough, the anger of it being wrong, of me being wrong and rejected, being shameful, sadness that I didn’t have enough time to digest and process it with my beautiful Mam, frustration in not allowing my true voice be heard.
Why do we let such stories run our lives? Experiences/Information from the Past seep into our Present moment and allow it to drive our Future? Surely we ALL have some story, some negative self talk that we constantly tell ourselves that is deeply rooted from an experience, an encounter, a trauma, a rejection, a loss etc that is in the Past? What’s YOURS? What did you tell yourself a long time ago? Was it that you have to be strong, was it you have to be perfect, was it you have to make everyone love you, or was it the world can’t be trusted, you’re ugly and repulsive, you’re not good enough…? There are SO SO many the list could go on. Take time to become present to the moment that shaped that thought for you? What age were you? What happened? And now ask yourself WHY does it affect you still today? Why do you give it power? Why do you BELIEVE it?
Now I feel lighter to finally say it and share it out loud. I have shared it with a few friends and other people in my life. It’s funny how I immediately look to the non-verbal cues for reactions – their faces and whether they’re accepting of me or not and this dirty little secret! But it’s not dirty, as the old saying goes you can’t help who you fall in love with. I was created, how could that be dirty? I am alive, I have life. I am a gift. I actually find it funny that my journey in life brought me to Abu Dhabi in the past (a place that is also full of arranged familial marriages!) in some countries it’s the norm! Ironic??! 🙈😂 Is anything really by chance?! I don’t believe it is.
Thank God I have finally accepted it, it doesn’t define who I am, it is what’s so – the reality being two people fell in love and I was produced. It has no other meaning. I have ended that story that I told myself. I can release myself from those old negative, soul destroying thoughts that held me back, that quietened my voice, that riddled me with fear and inferiority.
The new story I’ve created is that I Deirdre Nicole Ward am a powerful, loving, honest, courageous, inspiring and genuine woman who is making a difference to her world and that of others.
My MISSION is to help children, teens and adults to accept and love themselves fully, to leave the hurtful, degrading parts of the Past in the Past. To help a child to have that strong, solid foundation in order to never allow those thoughts or stories in or be formed in the first place. To realise that it is just a Story that is made up, that isn’t reality and certainly isn’t YOU!
My WISH is that everyone will love themselves, feel empowered, confident and reach their full potential in this short life that we have. That is the work I fulfil with UNLOCK. I will help you find your key! 🔑 The key that sets you FREE.
I am a Tough Cookie 🙋🏻💪🏻🍪 I have began my autobiography and I had some writers block. I fully believe I needed to share this to clear the headspace for creativity, inspiration, goals and productivity!!
Watch this space, the Tough Cookie is getting bigger and better!! 🌟
“What Defines You?
Are there Pieces of Your
Puzzle that don’t Fit
And Are Untrue?
Use Your Power
Pause those Inner Rackets
Make a Stand!
For Your Life
Let Go of the Shadow
And the World will Follow”